Am I The Asshole For Not Wanting To Date White Men? (Part 2)

The riskier half

Dear friend <3

I hope you’ve been well in this economy.

Thank you for holding on to this story. I can assure you it gets better (or worse?).

So in my last half of the story I talked about a particular date I went on with a certain 42-year-old, white cis man named Charles. A mighty number of white men who, may I say, would classify as peers of Charles, have also jumped the gun and claimed that I am indeed the asshole essentially for dating whilst brown.

Trash supporting trash.

If you haven’t read the first part of this charming old tale, please click here.

Anyways. This would be a good time to mention that Charles worked as a teacher, and has been a part of the education industry apparently for over 20 years. He was very proud of it.

When Charles and I found a spot to sit at the cafe, he mentioned to me that there is a book store across the road from the cafe we were in. This detail is important because it ensues a rather interesting conversation, and is also critical towards how this date/day ends.

I responded to Charles saying that I love reading, and he said that he did too.

I asked him what he was reading and he said, ‘Ah, this book about this guy running a marathon with Jamaicans. Oh, er, no Kenyans, actually! It’s very interesting.”

I said, “Cool, that sounds nice”.

“Yea", he responds, “quite inspiring actually. It really points to the human spirit.”

I nod.

He goes on, “What are you reading?”

I talked to him about Resmaa Menakem’s non-fiction work My Grandmother’s Hands that addresses embodied racial trauma, whilst his face remained mostly blank and he said nothing in response.

I then filled the silence by mentioning the next book I was reading which was Abolition. Feminism. Now., written by four abolitionists.

Charles pipes up and asks, “What’s abolition?”

Red flag.

I went on to explain the principles to him.

He also hadn’t ever heard of Angela Davis - *sigh* another red flag.

I went to explain some ideas of abolition, particularly around prison reforms and an anti-carceral justice system.

Charles said, “Oh, that’s a bit extreme.”

I said, “Yea, and so is police violence and brutality, inhumane torture in prison and the lack of actual solving of crimes like domestic violence.”

Charles didn’t know what to say to this.

He asked me then why I was interested in this topic. I let him know that I don’t have a choice and also because I am parts of communities that are heavily impacted by brutal policing, immigration policies and prison systems. And that it also relates to the many ways in which many marginalised communities are kept poor.

This struck a nerve with poor Charles. He couldn’t comprehend how in the 21st century certain communities were kept less privileged.

I will spare you the details and note below some of the points he made based on our conversation. The mighty old Charles went on to say, the following:

1. “Gender has nothing to do with employment in Australia”

2. “As a teacher, I have worked with people of every single culture across the world”

3. “Being referred to as a ‘white man’ is offensive”

4. “I have never encountered racism in the education industry”

5. “You (a brown, trans immigrant) and I, have the same amount of privileges in Australia.”

6. “Immigration is not racist”

As the conversation continued, I decided that it was my turn to cut the date short and leave. Responsibility and the constant need to be less and less ignorant cannot be taught to some people.

I also won’t be educating you on why these statements above are racist and quite dangerous.

I wished Charles a goodnight for being a dickhead and really, a very dangerous teacher, and left the venue. I did leave him a generous amount of the desserts that I paid for!!

I didn’t feel particularly impacted. It is a very unfortunate situation that I have been in many encounters with people on dates who hold incredibly damaging views and often don’t question their biases when acting on these views in their daily lives. I also am incredibly aware that the responsibility and labour educating such people is not mine.

I went across the road to the book store and picked up two more books (out of my rent money haha) by brown feminist women.

All of this happened in a span of 10 minutes.

**

I really wish that we could normalise leaving dates if it is not going well. Especially with men. Especially so that men can realise that there are consequences for not doing better.

I also wish we talked more about how for many women and queer folk, leaving a date because it is disappointing, unsafe and not worth their time can be incredibly dangerous because certain men can feel incredibly entitled to our time, bodies and worth.

I really wish that people also realised that dating for women and queer folk is a feminist issue simply because of the downsides of any kinds of relationship forming, casual sex, coffee meet-ups, short and long term partnerships impacts women and non-binary folk more than anybody else, and further those who are racialised and disabled.

It also contributes to a growing sense of isolation, lack of confidence and hinderance to forming meaningful community and kinship with each other.

Men - especially those who are cis, able bodied and white - hold an incredibly amount of power because with a lot of bullshit that they equip thanks to the racist, cis-hetro patriarchy, they do get to unfortunately dictate what an appropriate and satisfactory date would look like, and when things don’t go according to their expectations, it’s valid for them to dominate the consequences on the person they’re with.

To a large extent, I go on dates and any form of meetups knowing my worth, and knowing what I will not settle for. I hold a lot of compassion for people who are doing the best because healthcare, therapy and community is not accessible to everyone, and this - to some extent - includes white men.

But a dickhead is a dickhead, you know?

This is really not even about if I am not the asshole or not. Or if anyone is the asshole. I understand that people have differences in opinion and preferences which inevitably decides if a “date” is good or not. But these opinions are linked to power and privilege too, and certain intersections - systemically - always end up dictating over and exploiting others because they can exercise that same power and privilege with very little consequence.

I am lucky that I got out of the date safely. But I have had a lot of men in my DMs and social media give me a lot of hate for writing these articles. And in the past ten or so years of dating, I have had dating apps and dates go extremely unsafe only because I won’t stand their bullshit.

And this is your permission to not do so either, dear friend.

Knowing that, if someone doesn’t meet your standards, I do hope you have the courage and safety to leave, because you deserve better.

If you have thoughts or horror-dating stories, my comments and DMs are always open.

love,
Naavikaran

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